Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You are a genius and a whore.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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