i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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