I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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