Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
