Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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