god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
