She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
