I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
