The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.