um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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