last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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