took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize