The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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