Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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