Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
