You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
