well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
