Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
