I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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