What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
