My sheets look like a crime scene.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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