make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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