Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
