Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He shit in the fireplace
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