I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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