he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
