epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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