i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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