I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
