I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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