On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
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I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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