plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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