You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
