Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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