We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
