can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
