fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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