Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
