I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You have to summon your inner elephant
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
