I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i think i have two assholes
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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