OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
