Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
