One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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