And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
