My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
