oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
