well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
how does that bad decision feel?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
