Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
