It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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