not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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