after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
