life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
