I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
