I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
