apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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