youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
