i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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