apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You're like the curious george of whores
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
