I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
