I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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