if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
