yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
