Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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