i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
