We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How does one acquire holy water?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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