i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
