Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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